One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human



HERE are a couple of tips from one cat to another, particularly useful in the middle of the night:
  • Jump on the mantelpiece or dressing-table and swipe off anything standing there. This is useful for waking up any sleeping humans.
  • Dive-bomb your human from the bedhead or nearby furniture to wake it up. Aim at groin, breast or head.
These tips and 98 others come from a book called One Hundred Ways for A Cat To Train Its Humanby Celia Haddon.

This pocket-sized little gem would make a purrfect gift for a cat lover. It's full of hilarious one-liners and anecdotes which will resonate with any of us who are owned by a cat.

As the writer so succinctly puts:  "Remember. Humans have the mental age of a one-week-old blind kitten. They cannot express themselves in body language because they have no tail and no whiskers; their hair can't stand up and their ears are completely inflexible. They can learn only a few words from the huge body-language feline vocabulary."

We are also told that though humans cannot speak Cat, they vocalise repeatedly. Most of their vocalisations are meaningless and can be completely ignored.

For now, a couple more tips:
  • To get a male human off an armchair, jump on the back of it, hold down his head with a firm paw and lick his bald patch. Purring right into the ear is one of the kindest ways to tell a human.
  • Anything not nailed down is a cat toy, except a new cat toy.
Finally, here's one that my cat is doing every day:
  • Walk over to the computer keyboard, being careful to press down the keys. Use your body to shield the interesting additions to the screen. Stand on one key so that a character repeats itself endlessly.
I have now hidden the book away somewhere my cat will never find it - in the expensive cat bed I bought her.

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